To those stress addicts

Me and my Professor Friend bumped into an old buddy outside one of the top polyclinics in Mumbai. Polyclinic is a great idea as you get to see specialists in multiple fields in one place. Many a time however these doctors play a “passing the buck” game and you get to see almost everybody for advice and examination and you generally come out with a dazed face with no final diagnosis or conclusion.

I guessed this must have happened as I saw my friends face with a shade of confusion and more of an anger.

He told us that last whole month was a total waste of time. Those speciality doctors just could not advise and simply could not get the point!

We pulled him to a coffee shop nearby to listen to his story

He said you know me Dr Modak, I work only under stress and am kind of a stress addict. I become uneasy when things get good and level of stress falls down. I have been asking these doctors how to increase or at least maintain my stress at high level. These doctors instead kept advising me on how stress is not good and should in fact be reduced.

When I go for holidays, I first check for availability of fast internet as much as for hot water. I use my mobile for at least 7 hours a day and have a case with a built in charger. I have to stay connected as I have so much work to do, so many decisions to make. I know when you get into stress you become more successful, make more money, get into who’s who and shine amongst your peers. (I wanted to protest here but I kept shut not to raise my stress).

After listening to his story, professor laughed and said, you should have just called us and not gone to the polyclinic. (Don’t know why Professor said us, may be he wanted to show my friend another example of a stress addict”? But I am a workaholic and not stress addict. These are  not necessarily the same things).

Then after taking a deep puff from his cigar, Professor started with few questions followed by his advice

My friend, do you read newspapers every day?

He said – No. I don’t simply have that kind of time

Then please start reading. Reading about the scam in electoral bonds, rising air pollution levels, farmer  suicides, unfair legal trials, paralysis of democracy – oh there are so many topics to read and get stressed, and in just 10 rupees. I call this as a “frustration stress” and it will continue to remain whether NDA or INDIA wins. And if you don’t like the frustration type of stress then just stop reading newspapers. So easy.

Now tell me how do you travel to the office?

I go in my car. My friend answered

Do you have a driver?

Yes, said my friend.

Then just shift him to do something else or give him a month’s paid leave and experience the stress in driving in the streets of Mumbai. The congested roads, roads under construction and navigational challenge to drive through three wheelers, bicycles and occasionally cows will be a “driving crazy stress” an experience that you will enjoy. If you love this kind of crazy stress then ditch the driver and to get fullest pleasure of this kind of stress drive only in a manual transmission car with gears – and no automatic transmission please!

My friend was listening.

Now, is your present job 9 to 5?

Yes Professor, my friend answered

Then please move to a company or a department where you have to manage work in multiple time zones. There is a chance you may even get a better salary package in this deal. This will help you get  “international stress! “ you won’t believe that some people even brag about the international stress while leaving evening social gathering early saying they have to attend a call from New York. What a proud moment while you are experiencing the stress.

Professor took a deep puff from his cigar and continued

When business targets are set by the top management, walk into your chiefs cabin like a lion and say that you would like to step up your target by 20% even if you may very well know that it’s just impossible. This is an “extraordinary stress” but it will certainly differentiate you from the herd of sheep.  Buy a new psychedelic tie to declare the world that you are in an extraordinary stress ; make a drooping posture with a stale cigarette in the hand and walk slow. You will look deeply impressive but stressed of course that’s what you want!

And do you take health insurance when you travel internationally? If yes then simply don’t take one when you travel next especially to Africa or Latin America. Now you will be in high uncertainty stress all the time. This is really a special category of stress that is envied if you have gone through in the past ailments like heart angioplasty.

Finally, do you have any political friends or do you get into parties with them at some expensive hill or beach resort? I am not referring to ministers or MLAs but all those who are active in the business of politics. Do make couple of such friends and you will soon get sucked to do things that you don’t want to do causing you sleepless nights. This kind of political stress is also very special. You may proudly wear a Modi jacket and tell the world that you also have a political stress.

With so much advice, Professor paused, took another puff and continued.

I am giving you these advices as you truly are an exceptional stress addicted person. In fact most youth today just do everything of what I said to raise their stress levels. Because they think the same you think! Few things like not doing exercises regularly and eating junk food can further help. And yes, meeting an IAS officer above Joint Secretary (JS) level can work as a stress injection to raise the falling stress levels.

My friend seemed very happy with the multiple options presented by the Professor for stress boosting. He had taken elaborate notes.

As I was settling the bill, professor got up and patted on the back of my friends and said

Well my friend, if you still haven’t done as yet then I suggest that you do get your base angiogram at the polyclinic. It’s always good to know the start before you are reaching the end – that who knows may well be soon.

Cover image taken from https://granitemountainbhc.com/dual-diagnosis/stress-and-addiction/

 

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A blog written after I underwent an emergency angioplasty couple of days ago.