When in two minds

I was telling my Professor Friend that I am often in two minds.  There are many occasions when I am not certain about something  and  have two opinions or ideas and I simply cannot decide which of the two is right.  In many cases therefore I don’t take a decision or react. My “thinking mind” and “observing mind” perhaps conflict and I don’t know which way to go.

This is nothing unusual in this Dr Modak Professor answered. This is how life is. Sometimes your choice of taking decision works and that makes you happy and if you fail then it builds you better when deciding next time. And remember not doing anything is also a “decision” that can be shameful in some occasions. Recalling these incidents is painful when you are sitting alone in the veranda with a glass of single malt.

Well, you have a point Professor. I said. Take an example of yesterday. I was taking my walk as usual around Shivaji Park that is next to the place I stay. It was 5 30 am in the morning. I saw a woman sleeping on a bench draped in rags with a little girl child cuddled with her. Clearly, she must have had a hard day, perhaps earning her daily wage on a construction site or begging around with her little kid belted on her back. I stopped to observe her more. I saw a linen bag filled with plastic bottles that served as a pillow for the poor lady.   She probably was a waste picker.

This sight was very touching to me. I stood there stunned. I was pained to see the poor mother and child in such a hopeless situation. I thought that I must somehow help this woman and perhaps leave few hundred rupees in a paper bag next to her. I was in two minds as a thought came to my mind that is this the real solution to her miseries? Do few hundred rupees really matter? And what happens when this money is over?  We must work towards more sensitive and responsible policy reforms for the waste pickers in cities.

I continued my walk around the Park. I walked a few hundred meters ahead and thought about the waste picker woman once again. Oh, she clearly needed help from someone beyond any rationality of policies and reforms. I thought that I was perhaps thinking too much and should have done exactly what my heart was saying and not listened to my head. Certainly I was in two minds. I could easily skip my coffee at the Starbucks that I would normally have after my walk chatting with my friends. This poor woman and the child deserved that money instead my Starbucks 300 Rs coffee.

So having decided, I completed my round around the park rather briskly to reach the very spot where I had seen the woman sleeping on the bench. But to my surprise I didn’t see her.

I saw a police officer nearby and asked him. He said that he drove away that woman as sun was to rise and there was no permission to allow people of that kind to sleep on the bench in the daylight.

Professor was listening to my story intently. He said that many times timing matters. He said if I  had woken the woman up by lightly tapping on her head and given her the money, then I would have seen a smile of gratefulness that I  would have remembered for very long.  You messed up as you could have made her day.

Sometimes, the issue is not about money and more about  whether to give your time. I remember I was to see my friend at a theatre at 8 pm that was hosting one of the rare and immensely popular opera. Getting tickets was a challenge but I had used my influence to get the best seats.

But my friend didn’t show up till five minutes to 8. I tried but couldn’t reach him on his mobile phone. So I decided to enter the main hall as the gates were to close at sharp 8 pm.

Next day I received call from my friend. He told me his story. While he was on his way in the bus, an old man fell down while alighting from the bus and fractured his leg. He had fallen unconscious. But no one was willing to help as all were “busy” and had something else to do.

My friend was in two minds whether to go for the opera as decided or to be with this old man and reach him to the emergency room of the nearby hospital. Reaching his family was impossible as he was unconscious and was not carrying any identify card. So my friend decided to let go the opera and decided to give his time for the old man’s good. He reached home late after the old man regained his consciousness and gave telephone number of his son who immediately reached. My friend ended our conversation saying that he never had such a great sleep at night and there was no regret to have missed the opera. I think he had made the right choice that very few would do.

Professor lighted his cigar and spoke about other situations such as signing an agreement. Here you need to trust as no agreement is full proof. So you are in two minds whether to accept the agreement or not, as you may win or lose.

It is also difficult whether to confess any wrong you have done to your partner . Honestly one does not know how that confession will be taken. But then not confessing is also not ethical.

I remembered an occasion where I was to attend terahavi (a prayer meeting held on13^th day after the death) of one of my dearest friends. His old mother was still alive and was shell shocked to witness an early and untimely death of her son. Her eyes were dry and had no tears. People were reaching up to her and speaking softly expressing their sorrow. I didn’t know what to do and speak so as to convey to her my deepest condolences. I was in two minds. Then perhaps, my subconscious mind took over. I walked up slowly, reached her and simply hugged her. She was surprised and I held her firmly in my arms. Perhaps, her frail body got the comfort and assurance that she was looking for. She wept profusely and my shirt sleeve was wet with her tears. I think I had made the right choice of not speaking but being like her son and  just hug. And this time I was right.

After my recent angioplasty, Dr Rajesh Rajani, my third time cardiologist, told me to resume normal life after four days on discharge from the hospital. He said that I should now get back to work as I have a much better heart with newly fixed stents.

I was however in two minds; not sure whether to listen to my mind or body this time. I asked Professor for his advice but he just smiled and extinguished his cigar indicating the end of our conversation.

Cover image taken from https://www.instagram.com/intwomindswines/